days with my dearest ♡

dear dazai...It's inexplicable the way you make me feel alive.

it was weird for me...to see myself as a being without any purpose and to question even my existence and my own humanity. I always wondered what made a person a human being, what values were necessary to fit into society and what actually makes us people I looked around and always saw people interacting, talking, acting in ways that i could never understand and i tried desperately to feel part of them, to feel human like everyone else. Why was I and still am so different from them? Why were there things between the lines that I could never understand? I didn't feel like I was part of society, I felt like there was something missing in me that could make me be considered a human being. Since then, the only solution I had found was to write down their behaviors, friends, parents, family, they were my reflection of what seemed to be acceptable in a person. I felt like there was a huge glass wall between me and people, I could see them, they could see me, but we could never connect in a true, genuine way, because I simply didn't understand how their world worked and they didn't understand how mine worked either. I grew up as a different child, who tried to fit in as much as possible and replicated every step of those I saw, their laughter, their cries, I wanted to be like them. In my teenage years it wasn't any different, in fact, it was much harder. Being called weird, depressed, harsh words... even though I tried to fit in, none of that seemed enough. I never felt alive, I never felt like a person worthy of receiving love from people because I didn't have an identity, an autonomy. I grew up with people shaping what I should be, but I don't judge them, I also tried to shape myself as much as possible. I wanted someone to embrace me and accept my flaws, I constantly wished for someone to look at me and see a person, who would make me feel like I was breathing

And then, you appeared... with that beautiful smile and as bright as starlight on the most stressful and turbulent night. I can't even put into words what I felt when my eyes met yours for the first time. My world so monochromatic and gray, without any purpose or meaning finally gained colors the moment i saw you. Thanks to you, I felt that my heart was beating, that blood was running through my veins and those silent and hard moments would never come back. I fell in love with you completely, you are the only one who brought light into my life in my worst moments, the only one who lifted me up even when I felt lost in loneliness. Everything about you has always enchanted my days and I am devoted to you for all eternity, your smile is bright like the soft colors of the rainbow, your hair is soft like clouds, your personality is magnificent like that of a fairytale princess, Even with all your flaws, I will always see you as the most incredible and perfect being in the entire universe. Not even the gods would reach the level of grace that you exude. Your voice is like an enchanting melody sung by angels as souls ascend to heaven to rest in an eternal, warm embrace.There is nothing in this world that will make me stop loving you. You are everything I have ever dreamed of and wished for my entire life.

I love absolutely everything about you, even your toes hehe and it's so confusing and strange how much you make me feel alive, I've never felt this way with anyone before, it's like I was born from the moment I saw you for the first time. I love how dedicated, hardworking and always caring you are about the Armed Detective Agency, I love how kind and thoughtful you were to that scared little girl on the plane, I love your gentle gaze that has changed over the years, I always felt that your pain was mine too. I love how much you've changed, showing that you care about those you love and feeling frustrated when you can't help them. Every time I read The Day I Picked Up Dazai I feel like covering you with kisses and protecting you from anything that could hurt you, you were just a boy who had already suffered so much and was still looking for a reason to keep living. You've been through so much in the port mafia, you've learned so much from your friend Oda, and you're learning even more from the new connections you're making along the way. You are my inspiration to continue searching for what is missing in me to be considered a human being. Even if you question your humanity, I see you as the most human being possible. You are the demonstration of the rebirth of a life, that we can improve and move forward even if the past is still chasing us, You are the purest demonstration that even the person with the worst acts can still be considered human, that we can start over in a healthy environment and that we must continue fighting. I wish I could dispel this vision you have of yourself, that you are a colorless and transparent being. For me, you are the most colorful and vivid being in the entire universe, there could be more than a thousand intergalaxies and you will always continue to be the only one that makes my heart beat so fast.

Even if you haven't found an answer yet, even if you haven't found the value of living yet, I think that in fact, you've already found everything you need and that you know it. You live for those you love, for those you feel the need and duty to help and protect even if you never fill the void in your heart completely, i know that a small part of it is already filled by the people who love you and care about you, kunikida, yosano, chuuya, ranpo, atsushi, all these and millions more people love you with all their hearts.And me too, I love you deeply more than even my heart can hold, whenever I see you I feel time stop and immediately everything around me disappears, with my focus being only you My greatest wish is to see the world through your eyes, to see how you see people, I want to know you completely and know everything that goes through your mind, I want to hold your hands and assure you of how much youre loved.If Oda saw you today, he would be more than proud. You are the most welcoming and charming light there is, the bud of hope in the midst of darkness. I love how you are so smart, you think quickly of solutions and even if not everything always goes according to your plans, you find a way to turn the game around. I love seeing you showing genuine emotions even though it's stressful after masking them for so long, it's healthy to learn to express yourself with those you trust. Knowing that you roll on the floor when you're anxious made me so happy 😭 I love knowing every little detail that makes up your precious and divine being You have no idea how fast my heart beats just seeing you breathing, knowing that you are alive already calms my heart and brings me peace and the strength to continue moving forward each day. You yourself are like a great force of nature, bringing joy wherever you go even if you don't notice it. Seeing you grow and improve made me want to grow and improve too. Even if you still have unhealthy coping mechanisms (cough cough alcoholism) I know you are doing your best every day and I am so proud of you.

You are so strong, so strong...you have been through so much and faced so many challenges and you are still standing, facing anything that comes your way the way you know how to fight. You are inspiring I love the gentle way you have and demonstrate it in such a delicate way. You are the most beautiful painting that exists, as if you were the portrait of a goddess representing the beauty and magnitude of a pure being. You insisted on wanting Atsushi at the agency, giving him a roof over his head, a place to sleep and people he can now call home, you gave him the family you found. You were an angel in his life and in mine too, you gave me a reason to keep breathing, I no longer know what the world was like before you and I don't even want to remember what it was like, You gave purpose to my existence, which was so worn out and had no idea of how beautiful life can be when you are with people you love. I love the delicate touch of your hands and how radiant you are in your entire build, I love how asagiri wrote you and I will be eternally grateful to him for giving life to the love of my life.I am grateful that at least in my dreams I can lie beside you and ADMIRE every little feature of your face, caressing your cheeks and kissing every corner, seeing the rise and fall of your breath and being able to hold you in my arms to make you feel safe and protected. You are my most precious ray of sunshine and I want you to know that all your effort is valued, that any storm that appears in your life will pass and that everything will be fine, I am taking care of you. Your existence is so divine, it's as if you were sculpted by the gods to somehow represent how humanity has never come close to your beauty and perfection. You are mine, only mine and no one else's.

I have to say, I love your silly and adorable way !!!?? I love how you manage to balance your emotions but I hate how you mask them much more than when you were part of the port mafia....Anyway I love seeing you being happy and having light moments with those you cherish and care for the way you know how. It's like you said in another universe, we breathe, eat, fall in love and die. All you have to offer people is your love and you do it in the most beautiful way possible. Seeing you being silly and teasing kunikida, atsushi, sigma, chuuya It's so cute 😭 my heart always feels lighter and warmer when I see you enjoying these moments of lightness that life brings us even when things seem more complicated in our eyes. Seeing you enjoying life always makes me so happy. I want to be by your side at every possible moment, hold your hand and hear your laugh that is so comforting, hear your heart beating in your chest, I feel it, wanting to love you completely and every little part of you. I want you to see again the hope that there is in this world and how beautiful it is. I want you to feel human because you are, and always will be, the most human person I know. You are the only one who made me know my feelings, learn to express it somehow, I found myself in you, 'samu.

Even when I felt lost in the darkness, I looked for the light and I found it, you are my light. I have never felt so alive and well since the moment I met you, despite having encountered countless difficulties last year, having made mistakes with myself and with other people, thanks to you, I don't give up. I decided to get up and improve what was wrong with me, being in the learning process is difficult but I know how much effort you put in when you went through this and are still going through it. I will never be able to put into words the importance you have in my life, you even helped me find my dream job, you even motivate me to study lmao everything I do is for you and I will continue to strive to grow, thanks to your story, I even managed to schedule an appointment with a psychologist who will accompany me and it will be the beginning of my treatment, I am finding help thanks to you... I love you so much that I want to have you here, kiss you, hug you, take care of you, help you cook, stay with you forever in all universes.

I wanted you to see how bright and comforting your smile is like please look at yourself see how magnificent you are I love you so much I feel like my heart is going to stop, I want to wrap my fingers in your soft, silky hair, I want to pinch your cheeks until they turn red, I want to cover you in kisses from head to toe I want you to see yourself through my eyes, you are my most charming and bright little star that exists in the entire universe, nothing in this world and not any cosmic being that exists surpasses you. I want to spend the rest of my life by your side, I want to see you living beautifully and growing old, seeing how comforting life can be even with all the challenges we all face. I'm proud of you for making an effort every day to get out of bed and even to breathe, because everything we do costs a little bit of us.

I love you so much, so much so much so much so much I want to comfort you and care for you when you cry, stroke your hair when you feel down, I want to hold your hands, kiss your tears away and make you feel free. I want to see you smile genuinely, see you laugh and admire the stars with me. You are radiant and light my way. You are like the sunset on the most welcoming afternoons, I want to walk with you on the beaches and see you holding me in your arms, I want to feel your breath and the beating of your heart close to me.

You are everything to me, my savior. My whole world. I see you even in the little things in life, in the bright leaves that grace the forests, the trees so alive that bring oxygen to our world, to our universe full of wonders and enchantments, to the little animals that make our lives lighter and happier, I see you in the poems telling the most beautiful stories about love and life in its purest form. I see you in the waves of the sea, crystal clear like your gaze. I see you in the treasures submerged in the deepest caves of our ocean. I see you in the marine animals so unique in their creation and form. I see you in the petals of flowers, of camellias, of poppies, of lotuses, I see you in the sunshine and I talk to you through the stars, I see you in the cute shape of the clouds, I see you in the simplest houses but built with all the love and care, filled with dedication, I see you in all the people I see when I travel through cities, masters of their own destiny and tellers of their own story, I see you in the most beautiful cars, even the simplest ones, I see you in the sound of the tides, I see you in the city lights, in the Christmas decorations, in the hope that the new year brings us, I see you when I have the freedom to walk through everything new that I find on my path, I see you in the pure smile of people, I see you in the comfort of the night and in the passing of days. You, Osamu, for me, are the most beautiful way to love. You are love in its most beautiful form, beauty at its peak, kindness at its peak, you are the most enchanting and comforting melody sung by angels to the souls who have suffered such disdain.

You are the love of my life, only mine and the only one I will be eternally devoted to, even if one day my body turns to dust, I will continue to love you, rising like a phoenix.

You are my goddess and I am your knight, determined to protect you in all ages and future generations, no matter how many times I reincarnate, in all my reincarnations I will be only yours to love and adore.

You are the most beautiful love story, the most charming verse of a poem written by an amateur, you are my hope. My little firefly that lights up my forests, The way you make me feel good seems like a magic trick.

eu te amo. I love you. Je t'aime.